Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sometimes we shouldn't get the things we want....

Tonight I was talking to my mom on the phone about the realization I had over the weekend regarding having another baby. Let me back up a little and start from the beginning.....

I had my daughter in April of 2002. It was amazing. I was so in love with this little person that absolutely nothing in the world mattered. I loved everything about being a mom. I loved getting up with her during the night (and she was up every hour and a half!). I loved nursing her. I was working full time and typically getting about 3-5 hours of sleep a night. My boss where I worked at the time often commented on how he didn't know how I did it - working full time and functioning on so little sleep and still keeping my composure.

When April was about 2 I started having these feelings about wanting another child. I knew I could do it. I knew I would be good at it, it was in my blood and consumed every thought during the day and every dream at night. Layne was adamant about not having another. And I admit I was upset and angry. I was taking the birth control pill every night and as I swallowed it I would say a prayer that God let me conceive even though I was taking the pill. After all HE could make it happen!

Each year went by. I'd have periods of time where I was okay with not having another, after all it would only be a matter of time, right??? Then I'd have times where I would just cry so hard in the shower, deep gut-wrenching cries because the one thing I truly wanted would never be mine. All my friends were pregnant with their second child. My sister-in-law was pregnant with her second child. And here I was, empty. It actually seemed like a cruel joke. I literally got phone calls for a couple days from everyone telling me they were pregnant. I'd try to sound happy on the phone with them, but as soon as I clicked the phone off the sobs would start. Why them? Why not me? I was so consumed with jealousy that I was probably barely even civil to the people that were important to me.

As the months passed and they all became swollen from pregnancy it took everything in me to even face them. Often after I'd be around one of them I'd be doused with depression. Everywhere I went were these cute, beautiful, sweet-smelling babies.

Don't get me wrong. I was happy for all of them. But I was feeling so sorry for myself. Even when I started having medical problems in August 2008 I wanted to have a baby.

So what was my realization this past weekend? My girlfriend of 30 years was over this past weekend with her baby. He is beautiful and so good tempered. But he still required a lot of attention. I realized that there is no way I could have a baby. The meds I'm on would certainly cause birth defects, and that's if I could even get pregnant anyway. I have endometriosis and have had 2 surgeries to help with this problem. If I did become pregnant I would certainly have to go off the meds I'm on. Which means I would in constant pain, and that doesn't sound appealing at all! How would I even be able to care for a child that was completely dependant on me?

It's kind of funny how for so many years I have wanted something so badly and prayed for it to be mine; but now my prayers have changed. I've realized that while God may not have given me what I wanted, He certainly knew what he was doing.

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